Our beloved refrigerator passed from this mortal existence on Sunday last. He was in ailing health for several weeks, with inconsistent temperatures and an intermittent suspicious noise, but finally gave up the ghost and went to that Great Appliance Graveyard in The Sky. He was originally conceived as a backup fridge for occasional overflow items but quickly became a mainstay in the day-to-day functions of our life. He went peacefully and without protest. He leaves behind 2 aging parents, 5 children plus 2 daughters-in-law, 6 grandchildren, a fat, lazy English Golden Retriever, a bipolar cat, and 100 pounds of spoiled meat and produce. He will be sorely missed.

It is our sad duty to inform the interested public of the passing of reason, manners, basic English language usage, and common sense. After suffering a long illness, they finally lost the battle to smartphones, social media, and the "interwebs." Cremation will be accorded, followed by a memorial service, during which a Dartmouth University English Major will read excerpts from Mark Twain and Shel Silverstein -- from an actual, tangible book.